with or without you...

I don't understand. The people that God placed in our lives...
I mean they are placed there for a reason. And some have better reasons to stay than others.
The ones that i think will actually be there, i thought i would be fortunate enough to have them stay throughout my life. Through the childhood memories, through the ups and downs of growing up. When our lives actually start, and when they are well into their years as we settle. As we grow old, and as we pass. The entire journey with those few i would consider myself extremely lucky to keep. But then i remind myself that life is not base solely on luck or chance. And that i am intertwined with others that think, act and react differently than i do. That brings me back to the reality of things and i realize that i am alone. For the most part, and humanly speaking. Though God is with me, i must look out for myself and only those that i truly love, even if the reality is that they don't love me back. If that is the case, sooner or later i must learn to let go... for good. Seriously my heart cannot take all the pain of looses. I need to teach myself to remember the past, to learn from my mistakes, but never to dwell on them.

For those that left: i miss you. Whether i lost you by my choice, by God's choice, or by your own choice; it does not really matter anymore does it?
In the end, your probably not coming back. And for good reason. Whatever the reason maybe though, i hope its not regretted. Seriously, it should not be something that you wish would not have happened because that would turn against the whole fabric of things that took place to get us where we are today. And being completely honest, i like where i am. Some days are better than others. But i still wake up thankful for the life i lead and that i have the opportunity to make it better.

With or Without you in it.

Excuses, excuses.

& i think one day ill find someone that wants take me places, without any excuses...

i just wonder how much longer ill have to wait.

God Knows im Trying.

I feel as if when you do not talk to me after a certain period of time that you have forgotten about me, stopped loving me, or just don’t care. I know it is ridiculous, because you are probably just busy. You have a life, and it’s easy to say I’m not the center of it. But I would like to be a big enough part of it, to feel that I’m not being ignored or avoided. I miss you. I really hope you know that. Because as much as I would try to deny it, its obvious. Everyone notices, and they don’t say anything. Their silence is louder than anything they could possibly say. I wish I didn’t have to hide how I feel, because if you knew I would at least have the assurance that you knew what was constantly on my mind. But its this knowing, that pulled you away in the first place. I’m really scared, because even though I said I didn’t know what love meant anymore, it was the feeling I had knowing that you were around no matter what. In a few days that dragged on for what seemed like months, I don’t feel that comfort anymore. Its actually on the contrary; I feel confused, I feel alone & empty. I truly despise this empty void, because everyone that comes in my life & leaves, make the void even deeper. And you said you wouldn’t leave... you promised. But then again, they all do. Do what you gotta do, to forget about me & you. ‘Cause God only knows im trying.

I’m tired...

Tired of being single. Being with someone and loving for only a moment. With feelings I know are still there well after the loving is done. Feelings that are strong and are potent; enough to make me feel so inadequate. That I may not be as appealing or satisfying as a next chick. I want to be able to give my love, my feelings, my desires to someone who will care for me as deeply as I would care for them. Wanting this to happen so badly I feel as if I won’t be happy without it. This vision of couples, happy couples, haunts me. Visions of everyone being paired off and me being left behind. Of having that someone to hold you, without saying anything, the comfort of them being there; the warmth; their distinct smell that is so irresistible that having sex would seem like the obvious turnout. Having that mentality, but still knowing that you respect each other too much, and would rather wait because you both will know the safest thing to have on when having sex, is your wedding rings. That assuring knowledge that you can go the whole day without them, but when you’re about to sleep, not talking to them will not make the day complete. Assurance makes you feel stable. Makes you know that you have someone to trust your heart with and someone who knows that your mind is just as attractive as the body you have, the clothes you wear, and the things you say. You want that feeling just as much as I do: only difference is, you may have it already. Wanting that feeling, though sounding so perfect, may be the death of me. That I strive for it so much, I can’t live without it. I feel it is the only thing that will make me genially happy. I’m tired. Tired of being single.

Foolish

I really don’t even know what to do anymore. It’s like, the harder I try to be there, the better it seems to become.. And then it ends up into a signal different from what I was trying to give off. So I still try to be there, and because I can’t fully be what he needs, I end up falling behind. So I keep my distance... and as much as it hurts to do so, I have to because I think it’s what I’m supposed to do. Eventually I give in. “I was thinking about you” is what I get back. It feels good to hear that after a week of thinking about him. It feels good to feel like I’m on someone’s mind, even if it’s for a second, but I want it to be so much longer. I don’t know what to do anymore... I try to make you feel so good, even if I don’t know what made you feel bad in the first place. And then I find out, after making you feel good about yourself, what I discover makes me feel so horrible about myself. Do you enjoy making feel so fool? Do you take pride in loving me only for a moment, then forgetting me, putting me in the shuffle of the rest of them, having me around only when needed? Only to make yourself feel good?

Here I am, only being loved, in bits and pieces, and I think it can suffice for the time being. But how much longer do I have to wait around to be loved? How much longer do I have to prove myself worthy of your time and attention? Affection? I know God, I know... I know you have a plan for me. One that will make me shameful of ever doubting you. Sixteen Years of feeling loved, in bits and pieces... they all came for something, and they all left, the same way. I do not want to be the backup anymore. The one who wakes up in the night tossing n turning, not sure who to call, not sure who will listen, or even care. I don’t want the love I know I am capable of giving, to go in vain. How much longer do I have to cry myself to sleep at night, knowing that when I wake up nothing has changed? How much longer do I have to have this burning, this yearning, this ache in my heart? I want it to go away, so desperately I want it to end. I don’t want to be alone anymore. And I know if I truly mean what I say, I will become a person that I myself wouldn’t even want to know. I don’t want to be cold hearted, because of the ones that shattered my heart like ice. I don’t want to let this pain haunt me, because I am so much better than that. I know it’s just a matter of time... this is the time I know I have to truly trust in God , because the trust I put in, will come out more powerful than before. But the question now stands, can I wait any longer? I don’t even know anymore...