Foolish

I really don’t even know what to do anymore. It’s like, the harder I try to be there, the better it seems to become.. And then it ends up into a signal different from what I was trying to give off. So I still try to be there, and because I can’t fully be what he needs, I end up falling behind. So I keep my distance... and as much as it hurts to do so, I have to because I think it’s what I’m supposed to do. Eventually I give in. “I was thinking about you” is what I get back. It feels good to hear that after a week of thinking about him. It feels good to feel like I’m on someone’s mind, even if it’s for a second, but I want it to be so much longer. I don’t know what to do anymore... I try to make you feel so good, even if I don’t know what made you feel bad in the first place. And then I find out, after making you feel good about yourself, what I discover makes me feel so horrible about myself. Do you enjoy making feel so fool? Do you take pride in loving me only for a moment, then forgetting me, putting me in the shuffle of the rest of them, having me around only when needed? Only to make yourself feel good?

Here I am, only being loved, in bits and pieces, and I think it can suffice for the time being. But how much longer do I have to wait around to be loved? How much longer do I have to prove myself worthy of your time and attention? Affection? I know God, I know... I know you have a plan for me. One that will make me shameful of ever doubting you. Sixteen Years of feeling loved, in bits and pieces... they all came for something, and they all left, the same way. I do not want to be the backup anymore. The one who wakes up in the night tossing n turning, not sure who to call, not sure who will listen, or even care. I don’t want the love I know I am capable of giving, to go in vain. How much longer do I have to cry myself to sleep at night, knowing that when I wake up nothing has changed? How much longer do I have to have this burning, this yearning, this ache in my heart? I want it to go away, so desperately I want it to end. I don’t want to be alone anymore. And I know if I truly mean what I say, I will become a person that I myself wouldn’t even want to know. I don’t want to be cold hearted, because of the ones that shattered my heart like ice. I don’t want to let this pain haunt me, because I am so much better than that. I know it’s just a matter of time... this is the time I know I have to truly trust in God , because the trust I put in, will come out more powerful than before. But the question now stands, can I wait any longer? I don’t even know anymore...